People have told me that I have too much of a soft heart; vulnerable and easily breakable, and it’s because of that that I always end up hurting. I’m always placing other people’s happiness before mine, always putting someone else’s problems before mine; always putting someone other than myself as top priority.

I guess that’s where all the pain starts to form. By neglecting myself for other people, I forgot how happy I can truly be.

I miss you.

Your voice is my lullaby. Nothing, not even the most beautiful symphony from the very best composer would ever sing me to sleep except for that voice of yours. If your voice was on a soundtrack, I would only play yours because I never want to stop listening to you. There were times when I felt like you were right next to me whenever I heard your voice. It’s as if you never left my side. I can picture you, almost feel you, embracing me with every mentality of thought and feel. It felt so right; to feel your warm hand grasping mine. Feeling your loving embrace, even your love. I was able to feel all of this, just from the sound of your voice. I am able to see you and feel you as if you were right next to me; as if you never left me while I was asleep.

When I’m happy, I want to live in the moment; I want to feel everything I possibly could with every fiber of my being because I want to remember every single moment, every single second, forever. I want to keep it with me until my memory starts to fail me. I don’t want to document anything with words while I’m radiating with happiness. I want to take photos of any kind, with an actual camera or just with my mentality, of where I am and who I’m with because I know that where I’ll be standing in that memory, I’ll never be able to experience it again. I will never feel like I did the first time. It will be the my very first of whatever I did on that day.

I live in the present, because I know that I will never be able to live in the past ever again.

I just need closure. That’s all I need from you.

I need to trust you. I need to trust the feelings you have for me. I have to stop being so insecure about everything, especially you. I need to realize that you’re not going anywhere, and that you’re here to stay. I’m sorry that I can’t stop myself from doubting the feelings you have for me, but it’s so hard. I’m so scared that you’re going to leave me behind, and that doubt started to eat my mind up. I started to think that, because of the distance, you would think that you had a chance to be with someone else if you wanted to, and because we’re so far apart from each other I have no sense of security right now. I don’t have anything to cross out the pessimistic thought of you going behind me and leaving me.

But I know you, and I know that you wouldn’t ever. I know that you would never leave me unless I asked you to. No, not even then. I know you would be waiting for another chance for me to open up towards you. I know you would never stop waiting for me, even if it meant that you would be alone for many years; years that you don’t deserve to spend alone. I know that you would block out every person that would try to grab your attention, because all of yours would be on me. I have to trust you on that. I have to trust your words because right now, actions can’t be shown from such a distance. I need to place all of my trust on you when you tell me that you really do mean it when you say that you truly do love me more. That you would wait for me, regardless of how long that wait might be. I have to try my hardest to erase all of my doubts and insecurities, because I know that one of the reasons why we’re in such a bad situation is because of all of those.

Just wait for me to come around, even though a regular person would have already given up on me by now. I promise you that I will erase all of these dark thoughts that are lurking inside my mind, trying to make me crumble to the ground. Just wait a little longer, and I’ll return to you.

I hate distances. I hate the minutes, hours, and days that are between the both of us. I hate how I can’t be the one you can celebrate all of your achievements with, and the one who can wash away all of your pain. I hate how I can’t be with you when you need support and words of comfort and advice. I hate how I have to watch from the sidelines when I know I could be right in the middle of the game with you. I hate the days where I feel insecure about the feelings you have for me, and how I try to find a double meaning inside your words even though I know there isn’t. I hate how I am able to doubt you when I know there isn’t anything to doubt on. I hate how I have to watch everyone with their significant other, and me being the third or fifth wheel. But what I hate the most about this entire ordeal, is that I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again.

You are the reason why I am able to go through each and every minute during my wake. You are the life source that I need to help me go through the hardship of the hours throughout the day that I have to struggle with. You are my rock; my safety net; my tree that I depend on so dearly; you are the shield that has protected me through each step of the way. You have been beside me through numerous times to catch me when I would fall, or when I was on the verge to give up everything I had worked so hard to achieve. You have sculpted me into the person that you knew I had always wanted to be. I have no one else to give credit to except for you, love. I think about all the days that I’ve celebrated for my achievement, all of the sweat and tears that I had to go and struggle through, the only face that I remember being with me through that all, is yours. I hadn’t seen anyone else striving to help me, to laugh with me, or to cry with me. I haven’t seen anyone so devoted to seeing me prevail through it all, and I have never met anyone like you who was so willing to sacrifice everything for someone like me. What on earth were you thinking?

But what I absolutely am sure of, is that without you, the journey that I had faced would have been impossible to finish if it wasn’t for your endless amount of support, love and willingness to give everything up. You were my trump card, to finish it all.

I agree that love can never be properly defined. Scientific discussions and procedures  will never truly tell you everything there is to love someone. Published books to find love and written steps on how to love someone will never illustrate the true sensational feeling that you get when you start to experience the actual love that blossoms inside your heart. Love is such a feeling that should belong to everyone. It should never be stripped away from someone’s life. Love should never be bitter, no matter the countless times of hardship you’ve gone through. Love is an emotion that has created the most idealistic world that we could ever create ourselves in, and the beauty of it is absolutely breathtaking.

I love because love is sweet.

I wish love wasn’t so painful. I wish it didn’t have to hurt me so much. The hole that’s been punched through my chest has been growing bigger each memory at a time. It hurts so much to even think about you, because the aching pain I have will throb throughout my body. I don’t know where our future together lies; our future I so wish was in reach. Where will we go from here? Will we ever find each other again? I need closure, but everytime I grasp for it, it’s nearly impossible to keep the tears from falling. I’m turning numb; I’m starting to lose the grip I have to contain myself. I can’t feel anything anymore. It’s as if I’m only prone to this emptiness that’s lodged itself inside of my cold heart.

Why do I feel so alone without you beside me? Everything feels out of place when I’m not with you. It’s as if all the sense of clarity I had left in me to understand this world disappeared when we parted. Nothing feels normal; it all feels alienated. The family I have with me isn’t enough for me anymore, as selfish and childish as that sounds. You are enough for me, and the only person I need is you. You are the only human being that I know who is willing to hold onto me, to look out for me, to protect me, and to love me. You bring sense into my world. And without you, nothing is clear.

Promising commitment to someone isn’t a joke. Pledging yourself to another being is a serious act of love and trust. When you give yourself away, not just in a marriage but also in a relationship, you’re promising the person you’re with that you will do everything for them; to protect them and to love them. You can’t slack off in something that needs both efforts from each end. You can’t procrastinate in a relationship, or a marriage. It’s not a choice. You can’t say that you’ll put off loving someone for a day. You can’t say to yourself that you’ll promise them commitment for the first fews days and then later take a break. If you know you can’t commit yourself to anyone, then don’t lie to them and promise that you will.

Everytime I see you leave, I am overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment. Sadness because I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again. Disappointment because I feel like the four or five hours we’ve spent time together felt like only a minute. It feels as if one of us always has to leave too early. Even if I spent twenty years with you, I know it would only feel like a certain amount of days. So I promised myself that I would cherish every moment I had with you. Even if that meant I would only have five minutes or five hours with you, I wouldn’t let a second go by where I would forget.